WHAT THE HELL, STOP ALL THE BUTT KISSING AND CONVERT TO ISLAM
Having watched Barack Obama’s efforts to reshape the Middle East (and the rest of the world, for that matter) over the last two years, I’ve grown more and more disillusioned with the inability of the citizens of planet earth to appreciate the profound brilliance of this man. Most of mankind just doesn’t get it – and it’s getting worse rather than better.
It is in the spirit of patriotic bipartisanship that I submit the following open letter to our president, Barack Obama.
Dear Mr. President,
As a follower of your efforts in the Middle East over the last couple of years, it’s clear to me that the more butt kissing you do on one side – and chastising on the other – the more the whole lot of them – and most of the world – seems to distrust and disrespect you.
I’m sure this is extremely frustrating, given that your butt kissing and patronization of various voting blocks in the U.S works like a charm every time.
According to Pew, it doesn’t look like any of these countries will be building Barack Hussein Obama Theme Parks anytime soon.
Hell, you’ve thrown Israel under the bus more times than Nancy Pelosi has had cosmetic surgery – and these people still don’t get it.
Not to worry Barack, I’m here to help; I have a few ideas that will not only get this thing on the right track with the world’s Muslims, but with Michael Moore, Bill Maher and everyone at MSNBC and the New York Times as well. To hell with the Israelis, they don’t appreciate you anyway – and think about it – you don’t give a damn about them either.
1. Drop the ass-kissing strategy and convert to Islam. Hell, half of America thinks you’re a Muslim anyway, just go for it. Trust me – I know you hate boldness and courage, but man up on this one. The Muslim world thinks you’re a weak, patronizing, insincere politician who will say and do whatever he has to to get his way. (Geez, that’s what over half the people in this country think – at least you’re consistent.) Prove them wrong, Barack. Unless you plan to relocate the entire American left to the Middle East to prop up poll results, grow a pair and go for it. Again, what have you got to lose?
2. Rethink that whole border thing. While you said yesterday that “American support” for a lasting peace in the Mideast is based on borders that existed before the 1967 war, all you did was further anger the Israelis, which was only a secondary objective, while giving your friends in Palestine less than they expected from you. (which is actually pushing Israel into the sea, but that’s another discussion for another time.) So here’s my suggestion:
Don’t settle for the 1967 borders, Barack; revamp yesterday’s statement, and say the following: “American support is contingent on Israel returning to its pre-1948 status.” (Yeah, I know modern Israel didn’t exist prior to 1948, but here’s the deal: The entire world of Islam will love you, Israel will be more furious than ever, and the left in America will be drunk with anti-semitic glee beyond their wildest dreams. As for the gun- and religion-clinging simpletons in America’s heartland, they’re too stupid to catch on anyway. Is this brilliant, or what Barack?
3. Bypass Congress and sign a peace treaty with Iran. Since you tend to ignore laws that you don’t support, this one’s a no-brainer. You know that the Republicans – and perhaps a few Reagan Democrats – would block a bill to capitulate to Iran anyway, so why bother with the Constitution? Not only will you get a rush from pretending to be King of America; Mahmoud Admadinejad and his pals, and Janeane Garofalo and her pals will have a level of respect for you that dictators can only envy.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful Mr. President. Best of luck, and after you’ve accomplished your objectives of putting Israel in its place and being proclaimed in the Middle East as “America’s first Muslim president,” (in the spirit of Bill Clinton being our first black president) give me a ring – I have some thoughts on North Korea as well.
Sincerely,
The Rat
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