Marshal Pupovich -- never missing a moment to dump more dirt on America’s shallow grave -- has announced earlier tonight that S&P has downgraded the US’s credit to the modest AA+ rating. Marshal, we are humbled by your timeliness in delivering this joyous news to the collective and I am sure Comrade Red Square is upping your rations as we speak.
So what does this all mean? Should the Party be nervous about the coming 2012 election now that we have thoroughly ruined America’s economic prestige? Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
This is an opportunity, comrades. This is an opportunity to explain to the American people that losing an ‘A’ from our AAA rating is an exercise in global economic justice. In losing that single ‘A’, mind you, we are in effect loaning that ‘A’ to a needier nation -- say, North Korea, for example. Now North Korea can afford to borrow more money from China in order to feed its already prosperous and happy people thanks to our self-inflicted ethical economic loss. It is fairness, and that's a good thing!
Allow me to elaborate further, comrades. You see, all the leading Harvard-educated economist agree that there are only so many A’s in the world and just too many nations in need of those A’s in order to have a good rating. America -- being the greedy whore nation that it is -- sought to monopolize these A’s for its own imperial purposes (war for oil, armies, tax cuts, etc. etc.) while denying other morally superior nations (North Korea) the economic right to possess one of those coveted American A's. President Obama, sensing the world’s suffering through his supernatural leadership abilities, sought to correct these wrongs by damaging the US economy in order to save the world and fairly redistribute the A’s.
See! President Obama is saving the world economy by totally destroying the US economy! This is why the world loves Obama and why Teabaggers utterly hate him -- President Obama thinks globally and not locally like some boorish middle-class turd in flyover country. President Obama killed our AAA rating for our imperial sins against the world and is thus strengthening our position in the world through progressive moral superiority. Those of us who read celebrated America-basher Fareed Zakaria would call this *smart power* in action. Smart power is a good thing, write that down.
So what does America do now after being declared the most ethical loser? We spend, comrades. We spend trillions of dollars in new stimulus in order to create the jobs laid off middle-aged white collared workers need the most -- infrastructure projects!
You heard me correctly; it is high time we get Mom, Dad -- Hell, even Grandma and Grandpa! -- out there in the sun building dams, bridges, high-speed railroad, and whatever else the political class can benefit from (Hey, pal -- two hours from my Georgetown townhouse to my Manhattan penthouse via high-speed rail sounds pretty good to me!) We need to do the *big* things again just like in FDR's day!
Comrades, we need to build massive concrete monuments on the backs of tubby former real estate agents named Betty! We need Don from accounting or Pete our IT guy out there hauling railroad ties! We even need the kids to get involved, too! I say we enlist the kids into a federally funded program that teaches them the values of back-breaking work and how to snitch on Mom and Dad when they say something nasty about the President's economic policies. Well, maybe we can go easy on the back-breaking work and just settle for the snitching (we wouldn't want the little squirts to have any self-initiative, now would we?) We need a New New Deal!
Who's with me!?
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