ISIS Agrees to Three-Year War

2/14/2015
Keith Koffler

ISIS commanders today announced that they had agreed to President Obama’s time limit of three years for the war between the Islamic state and the United States and its allies.

“We think three years is enough time to decide who’s best,” an ISIS spokesman said today. “There is much wisdom to Obama’s approach. It’s kind of like a soccer match. At some point, you have to call time, and whoever is ahead is the winner.”

President Obama’s proposed authorization of military force lasts for three years, after which the next president would have to try to extract a new authorization from Congress if he decided to continue the war.

U.S. and ISIS officials cautioned that time may be added at the end of the three years if the fighting is interrupted by injuries. Injuries are generally expected in soccer and in wars, so the actual duration of the match could extend a bit beyond three years.

The ISIS announcement is seen as a victory for proponents of the Obama Doctrine, which states that wars can be “led from behind” and ended when the United States feels like it.

The doctrine was previously known as “surrendering.”

“We think ‘surrender’ had an awful ring to it,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “It implied we needed to continue wars until we win them, and that’s just not the case here in the 21st-century. We oppose outmoded ways of thinking.”

White House officials said that in order to maintain interest among fans watching the contest and following it on the Internet, the United States would make the matchup “more fair” by fielding players who had no idea what they were doing.

“Of course, we could wipe ISIS out in 30 days on our own if we wanted to,” said one U.S. official. “But why would we want to do that? Where’s the sportsmanship and the excitement? Much better to get our allies intimately involved and draw this thing out.”

U.S. officials acknowledged that not fielding a full U.S. team could mean that some of the play would occur on the U.S. side of the field. “Sure, they’ll send their strikers into U.S. territory,” said the U.S. official. “But we are counting on the Department of Homeland Security to block their shots.”

U.S. negotiators sought to have red cards given to ISIS fighters who slice off people’s heads or burn them alive, but ISIS successfully argued that this was an integral component of their “culture” and they should not be penalized for it.

However, U.S. troops who draw pictures of Muhammed will be issued yellow cards. Negotiators noted that they had successfully knocked this down from a red card penalty.

The contest will be preceded by at three-month “warmup” period during which ISIS will be permitted to kill as many people in Mosul as possible and plan attacks on the United States.

American troops will use the time to try to recoup weapons they were forced to leave in Yemen.

Speaking from his pickle jar in Red Square, Vladimir Lenin praised the three-year war plan. “Boy, Obama really gets it. If we can have five-year plans for the economy, why can’t we make a three-year plan for a war? This is sheer brilliance.”

A spokesman for The Nazi Veterans of Dusseldorf spoke wistfully of the three-year war plan.

“Oh, if only we had such a plan in place during World War II,” he said. “We’d end the fighting in control of nearly all of Western and Eastern Europe. If only Obama were president then instead of Roosevelt.”

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