My fellow comrades:
I am here tonight to address you concerning the subject of Operation Flat FLOTUS, as I realize that no one has been given due recognition for its conception, execution, and ultimate success. As the Commissarka, I intend to rectify that matter now.
It all started when I saw a memo from Comrade Ivan Betinov, who had a photo of my half-sister Michelle Obama wielding a golden shovel just like mine. In response to his question of whether we should “run with it”, I took it upon myself to make one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make as the Commissarka of The People’s Cube. But I didn’t make that decision without first reviewing all the pertinent data. I studied the photo and I considered the possibilities just as I considered the perils. I also took into account the reliability of the source, whether I should trust Betinov. I then made another one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made as Commissarka—I determined that I had known Betinov long enough and well enough to make what I’m sure all of you will agree was a very gutsy decision for me to make—I told him that we should, indeed, “run with it.”
I then asked my secretary to type up an official order for my signature. I dictated the wording of the order to her myself, and then I waited at my desk for her to type it up while I dealt with all the many other responsibilities that I inherited when I became Commissarka. I put my booted feet on my desk, I talked on the really cool phone I got for being Commissarka, I shuffled some papers around, and I changed my profile picture on my Facebook page, where I have lots of friends and I also have lots of people who aren’t friends but at least they “Like” me and I’m satisfied with that.
I glanced up from my desk as my secretary finally came in with the freshly typed up order. While I’m sure she spell checked it before printing it out, I still took responsibility for proofreading it anyway before I signed it. Once I was satisfied with the wording, I picked up my pen to sign it only to discover the pen had run out of ink. I asked my secretary for another pen, and she asked if we could just use the autopen instead. I thought about this for a moment or two and then, as Commissarka, I made the very difficult decision of telling her that I agreed use of the autopen would be acceptable for affixing my signature to the order.
I watched while the secretary plied the autopen to make sure it was my signature that showed up on the order. I’m pleased to say it was. Now that I had, for all intents and purposes, signed my name to the order even though it was the autopen that did it on my behalf but it was still my signature all the same, as Commissarka, I then had the order transmitted to Betinov for posting on The People’s Blog.
Let me be perfectly clear—I did not come to this decision lightly. I was torn between wanting to keep my relationship with Michelle Obama a secret, and making it public so as to raise awareness of my lofty family connections and my need to have a half-sister from an officially recognized, government-designated victim group. As a young girl, I always wanted a half-sister. I felt that not having one left a terrible hole that some might say not even the government could fill, but I am not one of those people. In fact, I refuse to be one of those people. I also thought of the reputation of my mother, Yelling Yelena, and I made yet another of the many difficult decisions I’ve had to make since I was promoted to Commissarka—I decided her reputation didn’t matter as much as my need to raise awareness—because I care.
The next day, I logged onto The People’s Cube as Commissarka to discover for myself that Betinov had followed my order and posted the photo of Michelle Obama with the shovel. I also noticed that Red Square showed up and decided to turn my half-sister into a cut-out dropped into various backdrops. I must confess I was very amused.
Indeed, as I surveyed all of Red Square’s “Flat FLOTUS” samples, I could not help thinking that he’d taken to this project with all the enthusiasm of a man who’d finally found a purpose in life where he’d had absolutely none before. Up to this point, I had pictured Red Square perched upon the ledge where I myself had once perched for peace three years ago. I’d thought of standing inside at the window nearest him, and I contemplated surreptitiously sliding my shovel out the window and thus nudging him off the ledge. That’s one difficult decision that as Commissarka, I’m proud to say I didn’t have to make. But if I had, it would have been a very gutsy thing for me to do.
I’ve since noticed that Red Square has started a whole new thread for the sole purpose of submitting Flat FLOTUS pictures. As Commissarka, I was not asked to sign an order for this because it was Red Square who did it and I do not have to give him orders to do anything, because he’s The People’s Director and I’m the Commissarka.
I’m pleased to see that Operation Flat FLOTUS is such a success. I think everyone, from Betinov to Red Square to fellow members of the Collective, to all the nobodies from iOTW, deserve recognition for their part in executing Operation Flat FLOTUS.
But make no mistake—as the Commissarka of The People’s Cube, I am hereby making the very difficult, albeit gutsy move, to claim all credit for the success of Operation Flat FLOTUS. For I believe none of this would ever have happened if Betinov had not found the photo and immediately connected it to me, because of the shovel I always carry.
And all of you had better believe that as the Commissarka, I’m just as shovel-ready as you think I am.
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