LOS ANGELES – Legal experts and scientists were quick to issue a verdict of their own following the shocking “not guilty” decision announced today in the Casey “Tot Mom” Anthony trial: the 12 jurors who were assigned to the OJ “The Juice” Simpson case are no longer the 12 dumbest people on the planet.
The Juice, a former NFL star running back and master knife wielder, was found not guilty in the “trial of the century” in 1995 despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary.
“But at least they had an excuse, an ulterior motive, for liberating The Juice,” explains Dr. Timothy Miser, a law professor, psychiatrist and talk-show host with the Buckhead Community College in Atlanta.
“They were using their position on a media trial as a vehicle of retaliation against The Man for hundreds of years of legal injustice. Did it matter that The Juice never gave a care for African Americans until he needed them to get acquitted? Not at all. So they were still stupid, just not as stupid as the Anthony jury.”
“Good old fashioned stupidity” is the only thing that can truly explain Tot Mom’s get-out-of-jail-free card, said Judge Leo Spumante, a cable news anchor and retired federal judge. “When you get to the point where you think everything short of witnessing the crime yourself is reasonable doubt, you are unreasonably stupid.”
Among the things that failed to raise reasonable doubt amongst the Tot Mom’s jurors:
* Tot Mom’s boisterous, clothing-optional partying in the 31 days between her daughter’s death and when she was forced by her mother to admit she was missing.
* Tot Mom’s repeated Internet searches for things including neck injuries, chloroform, inhalation, death, head injuries, and internal bleeding, and the fact that these searches were intentionally deleted by the hard-partying procreator.
* Tot Mom’s fictional characters, at least one of which was an attempt to fabricate an alibi.
At an impromptu celebration in downtown Los Angeles, Rev. Diamondback Cowl, a publicist for several of the Juice jurors, paused while burning an upholstered recliner in the middle of a busy intersection to offer a statement.
“Today is a day we have long awaited,” he proclaimed. “It is a day when the dumbest one of our jurors is no worse than the 13th-dumbest person on the planet.
“The longest journey begins with a single step,” he added. “Today, we took 12.”
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