[Note: This is the screenplay for an episode of a new TV series, Michelle Knows Best. Join us for the zany adventures of Michelle, Barack, and the girls as the Obamas come rolling into town.
The premise is admittedly far-fetched, but just play along for a moment: Imagine what outrageous farce and knee-slapping comedy would result if one day a neo-Marxist community organizer from the Chicago political machine, of obscure national and religious background, along with his anti-American lawyer wife, woke up one morning and found himself in the White House!!
So sit back and settle in for this post-modern blend of The Jeffersons, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Guaranteed to please.]
Today we join Barack and Michelle in a secret chamber located in the sub-basement of the White House. This is the chosen venue for a meeting with the noted Muslim cleric, Imam Abdul al-Feisty ibn-Arabiyya of Libya. The Imam is traveling across North America on a fundraising tour for the Libyan rebels.
The First Couple are seated at a small conference table. The room, lit by an old-style fluorescent lamp, has no windows and only one door.
BARACK
[glancing at his watch] I wish he would get here, already.
MICHELLE
Well, if we didn’t need to fly him into that secret airfield in Pennsylvania, it wouldn’t be so complicated.
There’s silence in the room. Barack is biting his nails.
MICHELLE
Stop that, already. What’s bugging you?
BARACK
The budget crisis. Those Republicans don’t care if the elderly have to eat dog food. As long as rich people get their money, all is well.
MICHELLE
But they’re saying that banks and failing corporations shouldn’t get any bailouts. I don’t understand; it must be a trick.
BARACK
[still biting his nails] And the whole Bin Laden thing …
MICHELLE
Oh c’mon, it was a brilliant move, a complete success.
BARACK
Yes, but what if the public finds out that I delayed the operation for two years?
There’s a knock at the door.
BARACK
Who is it?
MALE VOICE
A humble servant of Allah.
BARACK
Imam Abdul! Come in!
The door opens. Abdul beams a broad smile, and extends his arms to each side in a “here I am” gesture. Long applause from studio audience. The three of them shake hands, exchange greetings, and take their seats. Abdul is dressed in a white gown and sandals, and sports a long, flowing beard.
BARACK
Thank so much for coming. We’re sorry for all the hassle, having to whisk you from the plane to the U-Haul trailer, and from there into the delivery entrance of the White House kitchen, but I’m sure you appreciate the need for complete secrecy.
ABDUL
We are all working toward the same goal, Allah be praised.
MICHELLE
May peace be upon him.
BARACK
You’re supposed to say that for Muhammed, dear, not Allah.
MICHELLE
Oh, no!
Laughter from studio audience.
BARACK
[now addressing the Imam] She’s still learning.
ABDUL
It’s okay. I am pleased.
MICHELLE
We would also like to apologize for that phony pastor in Florida, and those airline pilots who threw the Muslim scholars off the Delta Airlines flight. They certainly do not represent the majority of Americans, who feel a close affinity for Islam.
ABDUL
Why are they still alive?
BARACK
Umm … Uhh … Well you see, Imam Abdul, we have these cumbersome procedures in America. Me—I mean my administration—we still don’t have the power to change everything fast enough. [sighs] Which is also why my programs are not fully implemented.
ABDUL
Your cumbersome procedures didn’t seem to interfere with the murder of our most beloved and holy Osama Bin Laden, may his memory be blessed.
BARACK
Umm … uhh …
MICHELLE
I’ll take this one, Barry. Listen, Abdul ‘ole boy, sometimes it’s necessary to sacrifice yourself for the cause. Doesn’t it say that in the Koran? Osama is a martyr; he died a hero’s death, and as a result of his being sacrificed the American people are convinced that we are in a fight to the finish with our enemies … heh heh … Now they’ll forget about Libya and Egypt for a while. GET IT??
ABDUL
[looking at Barack] We’ll need to have a private talk about the proper way to educate a wife. But getting back to that pastor in Florida. Shouldn’t the man at least be in jail?
BARACK
We’re working on that. The problem is, the Christian reactionaries are cynically abusing the First Amendment. Freedom of speech wasn’t intended by the Founding Fathers as a license to commit blasphemy, and especially not to slander the Holy Koran. In any case, Imam Abdul, we asked you to join us here in order to discuss the situation in Libya.
ABDUL
With Allah’s help, victory will soon be ours.
BARACK
May it come to pass. When you and I met several months ago at that deserted farmhouse in Sicily, I pledged our full support for the rebels, not only in Libya, but across the Arab world.
ABDUL
It was the right thing to do.
BARACK
But I insisted that everyone involved needs to remind the world, repeatedly, that the goal of the revolutionary movement is democracy and freedom.
ABDUL
Have we not done that?
BARACK
Yes, but lately more and more of the rebels are talking about Islam. People here, even people loyal to us, are starting to wonder what’s going on.
ABDUL
[face becomes stern] Be careful what you say, Hussein. I can call you that, right?
BARACK
Yes, of course, but …
ABDUL
No buts, Hussein! When the Muslim nation, in Libya and elsewhere, has attained democracy and freedom, we shall implement the will of Allah.
MICHELLE
It is our wish, sir, that the Muslim people, who have been oppressed by the white man since the time of Alexander the Great, are given the right of self-determination. We’re on your side. Nevertheless, in the Internet age, information is flowing constantly. We have to be careful, to avoid misunderstandings.
ABDUL
[suddenly stands up] And if this precious information flow is coming from infidels who seek to smear the Prophet and his people—what then?
BARACK
Imam Abdul, it would really help us if the rebels could, I don’t know, do something really democratic. Cite Thomas Jefferson as a source of inspiration, for example.
MICHELLE
Thomas Jefferson?? That slave owner? [chuckle from studio audience]
BARACK
It’s just to show Americans that the rebels are kosher … whoops, I didn’t mean to say that. [uproar of laughter from studio audience] Forgive me, Imam Abdul. I meant that Americans could better identify with your cause. When Gadhafi is gone, and you’re in power, everything will be different. I’m just being practical.
ABDUL
Enough of this practicality! [arms raised toward heaven] May Allah have mercy on you, Hussein!
Barack and Michelle exchange a glance of trepidation.
BARACK
All right, it’s time to move. We’ll double our forces in Libya. [presses button on console in middle of table] Get me the press secretary … Jay, is that you? Get me Senators Graham and McCain, on the double …
Applause from audience. Theme song and credits.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure on Michelle Knows Best.
Fade out; cut to commercial for fireproof Korans.
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